BreakRaven

She "forced" two different smiles at this guy within ten seconds. They were described exactly the same way....

Talking to invisible friends could hinder my social life.

What social life? You mean you're being social by avoiding everyone and hiding out in this empty room? Also, you're already assuming that just because he's got a pretty face, you'd be friends with him? Maybe his personality is horrible. Maybe he's an annoying jerk and he wouldn't be your friend at all?

"Were you expecting me to be mute?"

 

I leaned my hip against the desk. "Yes, as a matter of fact, I was. You're the first one who has ever spoken to me."

 

A frown creased his forehead. "The first one?"

 

He appeared genuinely surprised he wasn't the first dead person I could see.

Um. If you're going to say he's surprised, that's fine....but I thought he was surprised that none of the other ghosts had spoken to her before, not that she'd seen other ghosts in the first place. Why is she deciding for herself what surprised him?

As much as his presence annoyed me, I couldn't help but admit this soul could only be described as ridiculously gorgeous.

....You mean, unless he's not your type, like the football dude isn't your type. Then he could be described as anything you like.

Heaven forbid we ever, EVER get a love interest in a YA PNR book who isn't "gorgeous". Can't we please have a few plain-looking little love interests? Skinny, adorable little dorks with glasses or sweet, overweight dudes who have dimples and love to wear outrageous colors? I mean, you can give them a gorgeous trait like nice teeth or pretty eyes or strong hands or something, but I am so tired of the generic "gorgeous" guys in this genre.

"I pegged you with more guts. Are you going to let me down too?"

Commas, please, author.

"You can speak," I said looking directly at him.

COMMAS, PLEASE, AUTHOR. My inner punctuation-monitor is going insane over here.

Should I ignore him? Should I respond? Alerting him that his hunch was right might not end well.

Um. You already turned to face him a couple paragraphs ago. I'm pretty sure turning to face someone confirms that you're aware of their presence.....so he already knows, and your whiny indecision is useless.

I fought down a startled little cry - almost a scream - in the back of my throat.

If it was a "little" cry you were fighting down, then how was it almost a scream? Screams are loud and big.

I gripped the hard plastic chair beside me so hard that my knuckles turned white.

You used the word "hard" twice in one sentence.

"You don't really want to subject yourself to such pointless company do you?"

Is this author allergic to commas?

Now she's thinking about leaving and going back into the hallway, after all. I thought she said that running would make it worse, so she'd decided to stay?

Make up your mind, girl. Good grief.

How had he known I could see him? I'd given no indication outside.

Um. Did he say that he knows? Because if he did, it isn't written down where I can read it. As far as I can tell, he hasn't moved - not unless planting himself in an empty classroom and relaxing counts. He hasn't indicated in any way that he knows you can see him. You said they all stare at you, so that doesn't count.....

I'd known better than to stay in this empty room. But I was here now and running would make it worse.

Who said anything about running? Just turn around, pretending you forgot something, and walk back out. It's not that hard, kitten. Especially since the ghosts don't talk to you, right?

Also, unless it's likely to attack you if you make a run for it, why would running even be a problem?

I turned to face the same soul from outside sitting in a chair at the back of the classroom with his feet propped up on the desk in from of him and his arms crossed casually over his chest.

There were probably many perfectly good ways to present that idea. An awkward run-on sentence was not one of them.

So, the MC is not interested in the boy that Girl Friend A has been drooling over. Turns out that he's not her type - which I was saying, and which her insensitive friend doesn't seem to grasp. So, rather than go with her friend to hang out in the dude's circle, for some reason the MC decides to go into the completely empty classroom.

(There's not a single person in there. Not one. Not an eager-to-please student who wants a good seat, or a loner student who hates the noisy hallway, or any other type of nerdy little student who's always early to class. Isn't that a little far-fetched?)

I thought she avoided empty rooms "at all cost"? Doesn't seem like much of a cost to hang with your "best friend" for another five minutes, even if she is just drooling over a boy who isn't your type. I mean, if you don't care one way or the other about the boy and you do get to hang out with your friend - whom I assume you pretend to feel affection for - then why is it worth it to risk going into an empty room?

Oh. Because the plot demands it. I understand. It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to happen.

Sigh.

Empty rooms were places I usually avoided at all cost.

That would usually be at all costs, I believe.

"I have English Lit."

 

"Well, we all know you're loving that. OH, look, look, look, there he is...."

More unnecessary capitals. Giles, stop with the capitals and just use italics, please. They're very useful. Trust me.